I was having a conversation with someone today and after they were done speaking they said “Sorry for talking too long”. I immediately reminded them “They shouldn't be saying sorry”. Especially apologizing for no reason.
There is this great TED talk, How Apologies Kill Our Confidence, by Maja Jovanovic where she discusses how “with every unnecessary apology we give, we chip away our confidence”. The amount we say we are sorry changes how people perceive us.
I never realized the number of times I apologized unconsciously. Now I know better, so as soon as I am about to say it, I catch my tongue and stop. It's honestly a bad habit I had to actively undo. And as soon as I start noticing it in others, mainly women, whenever I would hear them say it, I instinctually have to call them out on it. And help remind them in a kind way that they are good, they are valued, and their words matter.
There's a great quote from this article, Why Girls Apologize Too Much by Rae Jacobson, that talks about why women apologize too much. She states that “[women] are conditioned to be more attuned to, and responsible for, how their behavior affects others”. It makes sense why you don't hear as many men say I'm sorry all the time.
And if there ever were an instance where you do believe you were in the wrong saying sorry probably isn't the. most important thing. Harriet Lerner explains in one of my all-time favorite books, Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, there are different parts of a sincere and genuine apology. So saying it to say it is not enough.
So the next time you're about to say you're sorry, stop yourself and think are you really sorry. The word "sorry" originated from the Old English word "sarig" or "sorg," which meant "distressed" or "sorrowful”. Are those the feelings you're feeling? Distressed or sorrowful? If not, you shouldn't be saying it.