I dread my birthday.
I was trying to explain it to my sister the other day. For the last few years, I couldn't really describe how I was feeling. But the last few days, I've been thinking about it some more as to what I'm feeling.
I feel a mix of emotions; such as gratitude, sadness, and grief. I don't know if I'm in the midst of a quarter-life crisis. Sure feels like I have for a while now. And my sister responded with a word that I forgot about. A whole book I listened to about a year ago on this subject. Bittersweet. The book I'm referring to is Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole by Susan Cain.
I don't like being the center of attention. I don't like it one bit.
Most of the time I want the day to end and it goes back to being a normal day. I guess this way it hurts less. Not that I had anything traumatic happen on a birthday. At least I don't remember.
Birthdays feel different as a child. There is less pressure. Feeling special and noticed. Being present and comfortable with being the center of attention. It's just different than it is being an adult.
Regardless, I am grateful to be alive. It is bittersweet, but that's okay. If it wasn't then I wouldn't be living a meaningful life.